Dear Reader,
I’m not very good at adjusting to change. My mom always says that I need to be more flexible and less set on a certain path. The problem is, I feel passionately about things and it can be hard to let them go. But change is the only constant we have in life so learning how to ebb with the flows is critical for being able to stay afloat.
Truth be told, I’m drowning in change right now. From my new puppy to looking for a new job, getting out of a relationship, and deferring graduate school. A lot is looking different than I had originally planned and I’m having trouble getting out of the ditch of belief that I dug myself into. On a day-to-day basis I spend my hours in ways I never would’ve imagined myself—all while wondering how this all happened.
Thinking back to times where things have changed suddenly, it has always taken me a long time to recover. I hold onto the past and what I wanted like a lifeline. I get depressed, retreat into my apartment, and mull over what went wrong. I dissect conversations, replay key memories, and through it all I never imagine what my life could be like if I embrace doing something else.
However, there are times when I attack change with change. I immediately forge a new path in defiance to the old and say “watch me do better.” It’s the confidence and lack of fear that pull me through—knowing I will be able to accomplish my goals in spite of. But building back that confidence after several rejections isn’t always the easiest. I try to make sure I feel good on the outside and thrust that beauty back in towards my capabilities.
Currently, I’m living a mixed bag of emotions. I attacked the change of the break up with the change of a new pet and am now making my way towards my dreams of being a writer and director of a literary non-profit. It’s not the easiest course and I’m still holding on to the past like it hasn’t escaped me. Eventually, I’ll get there and I’ll look back on this with another lesson learned.
Always find a way,
S.E. Dillard