Dear Reader,
Have you ever felt like you were starting from the beginning after years of effort? Like all you had worked towards was for nothing and now you need to rebuild from an end? But where is that place to start things again? Lately, I’ve been trying to find a new thread to follow—another path that can take me to my dreams, aspirations, and goals. It’s difficult looking for something when you don’t know what it is. Applying for opportunities, putting yourself out there, and staying open are all ways to (re)discover a route forward.
I’m not saying this is easy. Starting new after a serious disappointment can feel pointless. Giving up may be the more appealing decision; there’s no chance of losing if you don’t try. After already experiencing a setback, going for a new opportunity can seem daunting—as if you have further to travel than you did before. But these alternative paths are parallel and there isn’t only one way to make it. Detours can take us past places we never would have been otherwise, allowing us to learn and grow.
This upcoming year is going to be a lot different than what I expected. I applied and was accepted to graduate programs, had been dating someone long-term, and submitted my writing confidently to numerous publications. However, the relationship ended, the school too expensive, and my writing (though “impressive”) wasn’t a good fit for any of the journals. This turn-of-events has left me looking for other ways forward—jobs and fellowships—which would allow me to save money and (re)build experience.
In my rut, I’ve been watching a lot of Queer Eye and channeling the voices of the five queens into my head. In each episode, they help make someone over using what the person already has to offer. They don’t start from scratch but rather start anew—continuing on their same journey but with a different perspective on how they can do things.
The effort I had put into my applications now seems pointless. There’s a chance I will attend next fall after the year of saving but maybe I’ll be brought somewhere else. Keeping my goals, dreams, and aspirations in mind I find there to be a limitless number of ways to move forward in life where I still achieve what it is that I want. These setbacks weren’t easy. I simply try not to regress. The years I spent working towards those achievements will still serve me in whatever it is that I choose to do next. Nothing can stop me from becoming a published writer and serving disadvantaged communities through creative expression. I simply need a new perspective on how to do it.
As the seasons change, I wonder what it is that you’re choosing to do with your life—whether you’re starting from someplace new or continuing on with what you’ve been doing? Have things always turned out the way you expected or did you have to take a detour here and there? What did you (re)discover when given the chance to take a step back before moving on?
Always start again,
S.E. Dillard