Dear Reader,
As many of you know, I’ve been looking for a job since late spring. It’s been a difficult process of cover letters and interviews, rejection emails and tears. But I’m thankful to say that I’ve accepted a position at a dream organization after sending a message on LinkedIn and hoping for the best. My first thought when I got the call was ‘this is freedom’ and though that may seem to be the opposite of my transition from unemployed to working it truly is the perfect explanation.
The role is with PEN America, a non-profit at the intersection of writing and human rights. They give out grants and fellowships to underrepresented groups, litigate banned books, and have programs for communities such as incarcerated or undocumented people. I’ll be coordinating their World Voices Festival, bringing over 100 authors to New York City for panel discussions on international topics.
It was through the process of applying to jobs that I realized I wanted to combine my passions of literature and social justice. In the beginning, I was looking for jobs in technology hoping to use my research background as relevant experience. I would do writing in my spare time, meet with my book club, and leave that creative side of me as more of a hobby.
Deciding to pursue a field that not only makes me happy but makes me feel fulfilled was the best thing for myself. And now that I’m employed, I feel as if I have a purpose—something that I was lacking this entire summer. I have a place to be, things I need to get done, people to hold me accountable, and a salary with benefits to support my livelihood.
All this has amounted to a feeling of freedom. Perhaps I could’ve had all of that working for myself—coming up with an entrepreneurial plan of freelancing and odd jobs. But I tried that throughout my twenties just to come out of it published once with no payment and having little work experience beyond retail. I trapped myself in a life that was dependent on my parents—putting pressure on them to continue providing for their child.
I’m not blind to the capitalist influence that has me feeling this sense of worth, purpose, and freedom. In fact, I’m disappointed in myself for being so depressed while not working. But when the society you live in revolves around the workplace and activities revolve around money, it’s hard not to get sucked into a hole when you’re not participating.
Worth is built internally. If you don’t feel as if you have something to offer, no one can tell you otherwise. There’s a lot we all bring to the table—from a caring heart to diverse interests, weekends of fun or a new favorite song. The time we spend doing these things is no less important and they’re equally a part of who we are. It’s how you weigh those things against the job you have or don’t have that makes a difference.
Despite the disappointment in this feeling of freedom, I’m excited to get started on this new chapter in my life. This position feels like a door to somewhere I can’t yet see but know there’s more opportunities on the other side. I hope to stay at this organization for years to come, grow with them as they expand, and learn what it’s like to admin my life through health insurance, retirement funds, and the like.
To all that’s coming,
S.E. Dillard
I enjoyed this post very much. You capture the ambivalence we all feel between the need to use our time our way to pursue passions which, hopefully, can generate income, and the constraints of society, norms, and day to day bills that have to be paid if our passions haven't yet yielded an income. Keep on pursuing what you love/want along w/ the routine. All will fall into place.